I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.