I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.