I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
the only bumper sticker ill allow
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.