I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
You Might Also Like
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*