I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.