I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune