I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me when my alarm goes off
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.