i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*puts my mental health in rice
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Never forget.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here