“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)