I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Does your wife know you’re single?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good