i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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Holy moly
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.