I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.