I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I bet birds love this building.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave