I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED