I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I was bored.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me irl
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums