I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
i think we should see other cousins
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
