I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
sry
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive