I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand