I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.