I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’M CRYINGGG
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot