i wish all
whales
a very
big
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words