@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

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@Author_jo_jo

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

@KamaroPayne

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

@MamaNeedsACoke

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

@JermHimselfish

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.