I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
You Might Also Like
How funny!
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk