I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas