I wish gyms had a “montage” option

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I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life


I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.


her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what


Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.


How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.


Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver


*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong