@ElizaBayne
@UnFitz I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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@UnFitz 
@IamEnidColeslaw my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
@ej61727 I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
@melibuff I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
@whatsJo her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
@realrossnoble Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
@LurkAtHomeMom How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
@CumberdickB Finally!
@AbbieEvansXO Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
@VeganZebra *spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong