I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong