@ElizaBayne

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

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@UnFitz

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

@ej61727

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

@whatsJo

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

@LurkAtHomeMom

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong