I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray