I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
What personal space?
My dog
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill