I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Matthew was born for this.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.