I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
X-tra spooky blend
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My favorite female superhero
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Dishonest mechanic?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.