I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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selfie game
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?