I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.