I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You Might Also Like
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
…u ok Nintendo?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!