I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”


“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic


My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”


Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza


My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.


DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.



Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?