I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
remember
only for emergencies
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane