I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: âŚyes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Today, Iâve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasnât left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
14: Mom, youâre like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So weâre like 10 years apart.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I miss this era type of pranksđ
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
wanted to know why iâve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmdâŚ.. itâs not looking good, guys đ
i told my dermatologist if she couldnât get rid of my acne iâd kill myself and she referred me to a âpsychologist,â which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
*at the pond*
“honâthere’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Itâs not my job to tell people where theyâre failing in life.
Itâs just a hobby.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
Iâm gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy