Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*