I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My work here is don’t.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.