I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Think I pulled my liver
I’m an avid indoorsman.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.