I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Your honor these allegations are
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.