I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
This has made my week.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
A game married people play.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.