I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
eggs benadryl
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.