I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
kevin is now a local weatherman
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids