I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..