I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
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Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING