I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.