I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Rich people don’t understand cereal
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.