I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there