I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed