Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.