I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?