I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My work here is done
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water