I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?


[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”


Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.


Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.


Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.


When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.


Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me