@tayandmae

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

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@WhatevaConc

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

@KeetPotato

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

@weedswildflowrs

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

@DirtMcTurd

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me