I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Wake me when AI does housework
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
not to brag, but mine was free
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
based al yankovic
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”