@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

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@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@JessiPols

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@primawesome

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

@Jez1

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot