I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.