I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.


The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.


Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.


My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years


Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.