@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

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@MsLighthouseCat

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

@BillPelicanBros

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

@sensual_dad

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

@NotLasers

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@kelkulus

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

@meganamram

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom