Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom