I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’