@stanleybehrman

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

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@david8hughes

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

@KeetPotato

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

@jessokfine

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

@WilliamAder

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

@anerdonfire2

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

@Merman_Melville

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

@helenrclarkson

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

@copymama

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

@DurtMcHurtt

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.